Life With Carol

The Role of Love Languages in a Relationship

The five love languages stand for how you give and receive love. While this is not something many people think about, it does affect how you and your partner relate. If you have never taken the test to figure out what your love language is, then you might want to do so now. Here are some of the roles love languages play in a relationship. They Promote Selflessness When it comes to a relationship, you realize that everything is not about you. You have to consider your partner and their needs. In taking the time to learn what your partner’s needs are, you get to a point where you can love them like they need to be loved. The act itself forces you to think about someone else and what makes them feel seen. It helps you give more of yourself to make someone other than yourself happy. It Makes You Empathetic Rarely will you find yourself with a partner with a similar love language. As such, you need to understand how your person feels and receives love. You can only do this by practicing empathy, which is a quality that will serve you in most areas of your life. It Improves Your Communication If you and your partner have different love languages, then you have to learn how to love each other differently. For instance, words of affirmations are good but your partner will appreciate more if you spend time with them if their love language is quality time. The only way to know what your partner prefers is to talk to them. Find out what their love language is and vice versa. They will need you both to be open and talk to each other without judgment.  It might take a while but you will be better partners in the long run. Fosters Contentment in a Relationship One of the main reasons couples fight or breakup is feeling discontented in a relationship. If you or your partner feel like needs are not being met, then there is a chance you will want to walk out. By loving on someone or being loved on correctly, you feel seen and are content in the relationship. Learning one’s love language gets you there and helps you feel secure in a relationship. Improves Your Self-Awareness Going into a relationship without knowing who you are as a person can sabotage you. The one place to start is to know what your love language is and be able to speak up when you feel like a need is being ignored. While there are so many other areas you have to work on, starting out with your love language will help. It is a step in the right direction when it comes to self-awareness. What Are the Love Languages? Once you understand the benefits of love languages, it will also help if you know what they are. These are the five love languages: The one thing you need to remember is that, while these love languages are important, they are not everything. It takes more than knowing your partner’s love language to make a relationship work.  Being intentional about knowing who your partner is and how you two can grow together is what makes a great relationship. 

The 90 Day Rule in a Relationship

The 90 day rule is a concept that Steve Harvey brought up in his best-selling book, Act like a Lady, Think like a Man. Even though many people find it old school, there are somewhot appreciate it. If you plan on implementing the 90 day rule, here are a couple of things you need to keep in mind. What Is the 90 Day Rule? In simple terms, it is a three month probationary period in a relationship where you choose not to have sex with a new partner. It is believed that waiting at least three months will give you perspective on what you should expect from your partner and help you gauge them with a clear head. Although it is mostly women who push for this window, a man could also use it when dating. Benefits of the 90 Day Rule While there are people who might argue that this rule is backward, there have been instances where it has come to play and been very beneficial. Here are some of the main perks of introducing this rule in a relationship. Makes You Feel in Control Even though most relationships nowadays end up with people having sex, it does help to know that you had a say in it. Giving in to sex on the first or second date can make one resent them. It can also lead to one feeling like they gave up a piece of themselves too soon. In taking the time, you get to know that you were in control on where the relationship is going. Helps You Gauge Your Partner’s Intentions If you are looking for a long term relationship then it helps if you know that the person you are with feels the same way. By taking sex off the table, you can easily see who is willing to stick it out to the end and who just wants to have fun. It comes in handy especially if you are conflicted on whom you should settle down with or who you should let go of.  Enables You to Ask the Right Questions Sex can often cloud your mind and make you think that the person you are with is best for you even when they are not. By taking it away from the table, you can easily ask the right questions that help you figure out if you should date someone or not. Here are some the things you need to find out about a partner you would like to date: Once you learn this, all that is left to do is decide if you want to take the relationship a step further especially sexually. To ensure that this rule is effective, you need to inform whoever you are with about it. That way, if they cannot respect the boundary then you simply walk away. The rule has been tried and tested and has been successfully implemented in different areas. 

The 80-20 Rule in a Relationship and the Role It Plays

Everyone often looks forward to having a perfect relationship. It might be based on books read or movies watched but the dream of a happy, picture-perfect home is what everyone looks forward to. The reality is, no one is perfect and even if you are lucky, no one can check all your boxes. It is because of this that the 80-20 rule was made. In simple terms, you can only get 80% of your needs met in a relationship; you have to meet the other 20% on your own. Finding fulfillment in a Relationship One thing many people tend to come with in a relationship is high expectations. Whether it is from what you know or what you envisioned, it is easy for you to get disappointed when your partner is not everything you imagined. The 80-20 rule simply states that you can stay with someone even if they do not give you 100% of what you want. Studies have also shown that many people who are unfaithful tend to think they got a good deal only to realise they were chasing 20% and destroyed the 80% they had. By applying this rule in all interactions, one can easily find contentment in whoever they meet. Benefits of Applying 80-20 in a Relationship If you are in a relationship, then you definitely need to apply this in it. There are so many perks you and your partner will experience if you approach the relationship with this rule in mind. These are the main benefits: Makes You Human No one person is perfect and you will fall short at any given point. Keeping this rule in mind will ensure that you get to see your partner as human and cut yourself some slack as well. It makes both of you give grace instead of being too hard on each other. Prevents Promiscuity Once you learn that whoever you settle for will give you the best in life, you stop looking for more elsewhere. It does not matter if your partner does not check all the boxes; you are content with them as they are. It also makes you see that stepping out of the relationship might actually end up with you settling for less, which is not something you want to do. Keeps You Grateful If you have a habit of looking inward instead of what everyone else is doing or has, you tend to appreciate what you have more. Instead of comparisons, you get to enjoy your relationship with your partner and grow together. It keeps you together and you will approach everything with a grateful heart. The 80-20 rule has been around in a while and it is a great strategy to use in your relationship. It gives you perspective and will ensure that no matter what curveballs life throws at you, you and your partner will weather the storm. Find ways to appreciate what you have instead of spending time on wishful thinking. 

Importance of Therapy in Building a Healthy Relationship

Having a fulfilling and healthy relationship can be hard work. There are things both of you need to come with terms with and boundaries that need to be set. While many times all that is needed is communication, this could also prove to be hard to initiate. For this reason, it would be helpful if you and your partner would consider therapy. There are so many people who might argue that therapy is not that important so knowing the actual benefits that come from it will help you make the right choice. Here is how you need to go for therapy in order to have a healthy relationship. Enhances Communication Many times, people talk and think that is enough. In learning how to communicate, partners can pick up on nonverbal cues and even learn what makes their partner happy. Therapy also gives you avenues through which you can air your grievances and figure out how to resolve issues better.  Facilitates Better Conflict Resolution No matter how in tune with your emotions you are, there will be times when you find yourself disagreeing with your partner. While there is nothing wrong with disagreements, how you handle them will determine a lot. It helps if you can do this without causing any more harm to your partner. Going for therapy will help you figure out what to do when there is a conflict and how to deescalate situations. It will also ensure that you both stay respectful, no matter how bad the situation seems. Dealing with Past Trauma There is a saying that goes, ‘don’t bleed on those who did not hurt you’. If you have had issues in your past that are unresolved, they might come up in your current relationship. You might find yourself fighting over trivial matters when the root cause is past trauma. Therapy is a safe space for you unpack this and go ahead and deal with it as a whole. It ensures that you are not blaming your partner of things they had no hand in and that you can identify and deal with harmful patterns from your past. Helps Deal with Life Transitions Changing a relationship from dating to marriage or having kids can take a toll on both of you. By talking to a professional, you can keep sight of what is real despite all the changes going on. A therapist will help you figure out what you need to do and how to ensure that you keep sight of what is going on, no matter the situation. Therapy is something many people is afraid of going for. It makes you feel exposed and vulnerable and forces you to face your past so you have a better future. If you are looking to grow, then you need to ensure you see a therapist as a couple. They will give you the right tools to navigate life and ensure that, no matter what season you are in, you maintain focus on your relationship and keep things working.  

Budget-Friendly Date Ideas for Couples

Dating in these times can seem so expensive. With so many people going over the top with their dates, one can feel like they do not have the right resources to show their partner a good time. Did you know that even when strapped for cash, you could still show your partner a good time? Here are a couple of budget friendly date ideas that you should try out. Go on a Picnic One of the most affordable date options to try would be a picnic. You can pick out a spot that is free to enter or has a small entry fee. You can also go for a drive and park somewhere with a view. One way to make this date memorable is to either have a theme or dress up for it. Dressing up for the date makes it feel fancy and will have you looking forward to it. Make your snacks at home as well, as this saves money that might have been spent at the store or a restaurant. Movie Night Nothing beats the feeling of snuggling with your partner after a long day at work. To make this interesting, prepare some of your favourite snacks and watch a move you both like. You can play around with your living room setup, get a couple of flowers and fairy lights and change up the whole place. Movie night is a simple and almost free date idea that is perfect for you if you love spending quality time together with your partner. Visit a Museum Museums are a great place to go if you both want to explore something new. They have interesting pieces of history and you always get to learn something new while you are at it. It is also a great way to get out of the house and do something together that will be both fun and informative. Take a Walk It might not sound like something romantic but don’t write it off before you actually try it. Taking a walk is one of the ways you can get away from all the noise and just spend time together. You can pick out a path that is less crowded, which will give you a chance to really talk with your partner and bond away from the entire house. It is a perfect idea, especially for an evening in summer since the air will still be warm. Apart from bonding with your partner, the stroll is also a great way to get some exercise, which is a win-win.  Learn Your Partner’s Hobby Often times, you find that you hardly know what your partner likes. Taking the time to learn each other’s hobbies is one way to deal with this. You can spend time with our partner or simply ask them to show you what they like to do. With this, you get to know things about them that you would have missed out. It also makes for the perfect activity to do together in future. The common mistake many people make is thinking dates mean spending a lot of money on something. With a little creativity and lots of love, you can have a zero-budget date and get to bond with your partner. Try out a couple of these ideas and see which one will make you and your partner happy. 

How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship

Your attachment style is often formed based on how you were raised as a child. If you look back at your childhood and your primary caregivers, you can either feel jealous, anxious, or secure. All these attachment styles will affect the kind of relationship you have as an adult. The good news is, an attachment style can change as you become more self-aware and heal your inner child. There are four main attachment styles and they all affect how you interact with your partner differently. Secure Attachment Style People with secure attachment style tend to feel safe in their relationships. They are well grounded and can emotionally regulate themselves. They learned all these skills from their primary caregiver, who was present and did not dump their stress on the child. As such, this person knows how to create boundaries. Even though they might want to be in a relationship, they are more drawn to creating meaningful connections over just getting into whatever relationship they want to. Despite this, if they are together with someone with an insecure attachment style, it can change their attachment style after a while. Anxious Attachment Style Someone with anxious attachment style often feels insecure in a relationship. They need constant reassurance and will overreact if they feel like their relationship is being threatened. The anxiety stems from inconsistent parenting. The primary caregiver must have been one who was inconsistent with physical and emotional attention and the child never knew when the parent would be back or there for them. Anxious attachment style: people tend to feel guilty for being too needy or clingy but it is something they cannot seem to stop doing. The only way to help a person with this attachment style is to have them deal with their issues of abandonment first. Avoidant-Dismissive Attachment Style Avoidance are the opposite of anxious attachment. While they might want attention, they are wary of anyone getting too close to them. Avoidant attachment often feels independent and sees no need for a relationship. As such, they come off as uncaring and arrogant. All this stems from having a primary caregiver who was never there for the child in their early years. As such, they tend to take care of everything on their own.  Even though avoidant people think they do not need human connections, they actually do. It is something every human being needs. One needs to be vulnerable enough to admit it. Disorganized Attachment Style A person with this attachment style tends to believe they do not deserve love and affection. They often find intimate relationships unsettling and hardly trust their partner. The person often gets this from an abusive primary caregiver who is both loved and often a source of terror to the person. As a result, the individual is unhinged and might also struggle with substance abuse. How to Deal with Insecure an Attachment If you have an attachment style that is not secure, then no matter how badly you want it, you will ruin whatever relationship you are in. The one thing you need to do to remedy this is talk to a therapist. They can help you unpack whatever trauma you have and give you coping mechanisms. While it might not be a one day affair, it will definitely get you to a point where you can form meaningful relationships. Your attachment style determines how you view human connections and, in extension, how you view the world. Being securely attached will help you form better connections and make the right decision when it comes to relationships. Talk to a therapist today if you have doubts on what your attachment style might be.

Handling the Finance Topic in Marriage

Take the risk and be financially open with each other. Be open and let your partner see your financial life. By opening up, you will get to know them, if they are a scatterer or a gatherer, you will get to see what they are made of. It is easier to hide, be secretive, and be more instinctive, to keep your things licked away, but you will never measure as a team if this happens. If you don’t unite in money matters, you won’t unite in life. Money answers everything. Harmonize your financial philosophy. People develop financial philosophies from their families and how they witnessed the issue of money being handled. You breath it in until it soaks. For instance, those people who witnessed their parents transition from grace to grass may have a financial trauma, even of hoarding money. Align what you believe about money and your relationship with money with theirs. Discuss it until you can find an agreeable approach. Learn to flow with money, not to fight with it. When you know what you are good at and you perfect it, then your financial crisis will usually and only be a small interruption. There are two philosophies about money, to hoard it to be safe or to earn it to be safe. You may be coming from opposite ends because of what you witnessed, but this is a reminder that you are not doomed to live like your parents. But if you don’t heal, you are doomed. Those who don’t understand history are condemned to repeat it. Money is vapor, it’s your mindset that is the stabilizer. How you think about money is what will make it stay or go. your discipline not to buy everything you see, to show up at work on time, to convert that next client, to make sure you buy and sell at the best price, to watch the market and import when it is timely, and to convert the dollar when it’s advantageous. Have regularmeetings where you discuss financial decisions and directions so that you arrive at your family policies.

Handling Troublesome In-laws

The last aspect is their relationship with their families. Some people may be adults, but their families can not let them be who they should be. They still control them and make decisions for them. A man or woman ready for marriage should not be controlled or have someone determine what they do or not. Well, they can give their opinions, but he or she is the last person who should make the decision. You do not want to be with someone who even cancels your dates just because he received a call from home, to do an obvious thing. Should you find yourself in such a situation, then you should end things before it is too late. You can choose to ask them if they ever feel that they are doing too much for their family more than they do for themselves, that with this kind of energetic drain, they can never establish their own family. ” From my observation, you are unable to sit still and say no to your family and let them organize their life. You seem to gain a sense of validation and importance in the world when you are rescuing them.” Make sure you challenge them before you leave, because you have decided to leave anyway, so you have nothing to lose. Sometimes, you may have to deal with a person who says they can not move things forward until their mother or father approves. Ask yourself, how many other things will the mother or father need to approve. Some families may get too close to you soon. Anytime you start talking to a person and their family starts coming to your space, it’s not love. It’s either control or you are being sucked into rescuing them from their troublesome son or daughter.

Unlocking the Secrets of a Perfect First Date: Proven Tips and Clever Strategies

For those looking at getting into a relationship, the first step is normally to go on the first date. For that man to actually invite you out on a date. Nowadays, I am seeing a trend of women asking men to go out on a date, they ask for the man’s hand in marriage, which I find awkward, but I guess it is okay, always go for what works for you. Anyway, the toughest point to get to is earning the privilege to go out on a date, and you want to make a good impression. You know how it is, ‘first impressions last,’ and so we want to make the best of it. In this blog, we talk about the proven tips and strategies that you can use to ensure that your first date is successful or works out as planned. Show up on Time The culture that you grew up in can greatly influence how you manage your time. Where I come from originally, we do not keep time, nobody ever keeps time. If you agree to meet someone somewhere for whatever reason, one of us or both of us would potentially be late. If we were to meet at 5:00pm, there is a high chance that we would both show up one hour later, or I’ll show up one hour later, and the person I am meeting would show up two hours later. It is a habit that everyone has, and it is hard to get out of it. However, not everyone can entertain lateness. It took me a long time to learn to respect other people’s time and show up at the time we agreed to meet. Meeting your potential husband or wife for the first time is a big opportunity that should never be taken for granted. If you show up late on the first date, the other person will assume that you are not reliable and that you are not responsible either. If you are going to meet a woman, women take a lot of time to prepare before they step out of the house. Some women will go to the extent of buying new clothes, shoes, and a handbag just to make that first impression worthwhile. Women will go to the extent of spending money to get their hair and make-up done professionally so they may look presentable to you. Showing up late for someone who has gone through so much can never be taken lightly. Women should also consider that a man would leave everything and make it on time to meet her. Showing up late makes the spirit grow weak. If the man had strong feelings for you, he may just change his mind about the whole dating situation. Show up on time on your first date and always. Understand that people have other things to do, but they choose to meet you, do not take that for granted. Remember that the person you are going to meet may just be your future life partner, make the first impression perfect. Keep Your Phone AwayUsing your phone while on a dinner date for the first time may not be a good first impression, and not many people can accommodate that behavior. Unfortunately, your date may not even tell you that they do not feel comfortable, instead, he or she may keep quiet, and that could be the last time you see them. If you must use your phone, excuse yourself and let your date know that you need to use your phone. Once you are done, apologize for taking a moment to use your phone, even though you had excused yourself. Ensure you either put your phone on silent mode or simply avoid calls or texts during the date. It shows your date that you really wanted to be there, and it helps to give undivided attention. Dress UpIt does help to show your date that you put in effort to look good for him or her. While you do nothave to go overboard and look like you came off a runway, make sure that you look presentable. Depending on where the date is happening, dress appropriately for the occasion. Wearing cocktail outfits for an outdoor date will look tacky and make things seem off, especially if your date has a keen eye for fashion. Pay Attention While on a date, do not be the only one who speaks, be a good listener and give your date time to talk before you respond. Do not listen to answer back, but listen to understand, then respond. When your date is talking, try never to interrupt them or talk while your date is talking, otherwise, you may end up saying what you did not plan to say. Not everyone is patient enough to put up with someone who talks without considering what the other person has to say. Sometimes, you may try hard to pay attention to your date but you still do not get or understand what your date is saying. Be bold enough and ask them to repeat what he or she said in a respectful manner.You ought to pay attention to your date because It will help you figure out what the other person’s intentions are and will come in handy when you want to figure out if you should accept an invitation to another date or not. Do not Set Very High Standards Oh well, it is okay to set standards, but what guidelines are you using for setting your standards. I have seen people, rise from humble beginnings and become great. Let’s use Lupita Nyong’o as an example. In this case, I do not even have to explain who Lupita is because we all know her, the world knows her. When Lupita Nyong’o started her acting career in Kenya, people watched her movies, little shows here and there and she really stood out when she acted in a drama called sugar. She was great and very authentic but

How do you Know a Man is Not Interested in you?

Someone once told me that if you see a man and feel some chemistry, there is a ninety percent chance that he feels the same way about you. I used to believe that, and I did for some time, but not anymore. You may meet a man and naturally feel like he is the one or have the illusion that he is the one, if I may say so, but every time you see him, whenever you talk to him, it always feels like there is something not adding up. In this blog, we talk about how you can tell that a man is not interested in you. Does not Pick your Calls It’s normal to call someone, but they do not pick up the call. I mean, it’s a busy world. He could be at work, maybe in a meeting, driving, or at home taking a shower, or in a noisy place. There are endless reasons. We cannot therefore assume that if a man does not call you, he is not interested in you. However, if you call him and he does not pick up, if he is someone who is interested in you, they will have an automatic response that, as soon as you call and he cannot pick up, you will receive a message saying he will call you back. If you do not receive any message, then he should call you back as soon as he possibly can. I do not take it personally if my man does not pick up my calls, but if it becomes a pattern, like he does not always pick up my calls, never calls back, or calls back after two days, then there is a big problem, he is simply not interested. Never Takes you Out on a Date Normally, a man who is interested in you will go out of his way to take you out on a date. If you refuse, he will persist until you accept to go out with him. He will be patient with you, and even if it takes you six months to accept going out with him, he will wait. You will know he is not interested if he never takes you out with him. He never tells you he Loves You A man who is interested in you will not struggle to express his emotions to you, he will tell you he loves you. He may not say it at the beginning just to make sure you are comfortable and so instead, he may say things like he likes how you smile, he loves how you walk, he loves how you look at him and when he gets more comfortable and confident enough to take action, he will say the magic words, ‘I love you.’ If he is not interested, I love you are words you will wait for until the end of time. Never Complain About Anything you Do You will know a man is not interested if he never questions what you are doing. If you are a student, he will never ask why you spend all your time studying, why you go out with friends, which friends you are going out with, where exactly you are going, or what time you plan to be back. He will never ask you why you are home late. If you do not prepare dinner, he will not ask why, instead, he will walk into the kitchen and prepare his own meal. If your friends come to the house, party, or listen to loud music, they stay until midnight. He does not like it, but he won’t say anything. This guy is looking for a way out, he is not interested, and whatever you do is none of his business. Never Makes Time for You If he loves you, you will become his priority, and he will make every effort to spend quality time with you every week. If he cannot be with you physically, he will call you and send assuring text messages to show that he is there for you. He can never be too busy for you because you are his woman, and he cares. If he does not make any time for you, he does not care, you can as well move on with your life. Avoids you on Valentines Day Valentine’s Day is a special day, it’s the day of love. This is one day that I personally plan for and look forward to. Valentine’s Day is a day that can actually tell you if your man is interested in you or not. If he has two girlfriends, he will spend the day with the one he loves, and the other one will wait to hear his excuses. If he is interested in you, he may just confess his love for you on Valentine’s Day. He talks to you at his convenience A man who is interested in you will keep the conversation going both day and night, he makes it a habit to talk to his woman. If he talks to you or maybe calls once a week, he is not interested. When you call him, he does not pick up the call, but then you receive a message that says, “I’ll call back,” but he never calls back. You call him, but he does not take the call and calls you back two weeks later, like nothing happened, and he does not even talk about it. He is not interested; actions speak louder than words. Never Introduce you to Family and Friends You are dating this guy, but you do not know any of his relatives or friends, We can say, Okay, let’s be patient, let’s give time sometime, but six months later, you do not know his friends or family. You should know that he is not interested. If he is interested, the longest it should take for you to meet his family is six months. Friends you can meet as soon as possible.

Life With Carol

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