Life With Carol

The Role of Love Languages in a Relationship

The five love languages stand for how you give and receive love. While this is not something many people think about, it does affect how you and your partner relate. If you have never taken the test to figure out what your love language is, then you might want to do so now. Here are some of the roles love languages play in a relationship. They Promote Selflessness When it comes to a relationship, you realize that everything is not about you. You have to consider your partner and their needs. In taking the time to learn what your partner’s needs are, you get to a point where you can love them like they need to be loved. The act itself forces you to think about someone else and what makes them feel seen. It helps you give more of yourself to make someone other than yourself happy. It Makes You Empathetic Rarely will you find yourself with a partner with a similar love language. As such, you need to understand how your person feels and receives love. You can only do this by practicing empathy, which is a quality that will serve you in most areas of your life. It Improves Your Communication If you and your partner have different love languages, then you have to learn how to love each other differently. For instance, words of affirmations are good but your partner will appreciate more if you spend time with them if their love language is quality time. The only way to know what your partner prefers is to talk to them. Find out what their love language is and vice versa. They will need you both to be open and talk to each other without judgment.  It might take a while but you will be better partners in the long run. Fosters Contentment in a Relationship One of the main reasons couples fight or breakup is feeling discontented in a relationship. If you or your partner feel like needs are not being met, then there is a chance you will want to walk out. By loving on someone or being loved on correctly, you feel seen and are content in the relationship. Learning one’s love language gets you there and helps you feel secure in a relationship. Improves Your Self-Awareness Going into a relationship without knowing who you are as a person can sabotage you. The one place to start is to know what your love language is and be able to speak up when you feel like a need is being ignored. While there are so many other areas you have to work on, starting out with your love language will help. It is a step in the right direction when it comes to self-awareness. What Are the Love Languages? Once you understand the benefits of love languages, it will also help if you know what they are. These are the five love languages: The one thing you need to remember is that, while these love languages are important, they are not everything. It takes more than knowing your partner’s love language to make a relationship work.  Being intentional about knowing who your partner is and how you two can grow together is what makes a great relationship. 

The 90 Day Rule in a Relationship

The 90 day rule is a concept that Steve Harvey brought up in his best-selling book, Act like a Lady, Think like a Man. Even though many people find it old school, there are somewhot appreciate it. If you plan on implementing the 90 day rule, here are a couple of things you need to keep in mind. What Is the 90 Day Rule? In simple terms, it is a three month probationary period in a relationship where you choose not to have sex with a new partner. It is believed that waiting at least three months will give you perspective on what you should expect from your partner and help you gauge them with a clear head. Although it is mostly women who push for this window, a man could also use it when dating. Benefits of the 90 Day Rule While there are people who might argue that this rule is backward, there have been instances where it has come to play and been very beneficial. Here are some of the main perks of introducing this rule in a relationship. Makes You Feel in Control Even though most relationships nowadays end up with people having sex, it does help to know that you had a say in it. Giving in to sex on the first or second date can make one resent them. It can also lead to one feeling like they gave up a piece of themselves too soon. In taking the time, you get to know that you were in control on where the relationship is going. Helps You Gauge Your Partner’s Intentions If you are looking for a long term relationship then it helps if you know that the person you are with feels the same way. By taking sex off the table, you can easily see who is willing to stick it out to the end and who just wants to have fun. It comes in handy especially if you are conflicted on whom you should settle down with or who you should let go of.  Enables You to Ask the Right Questions Sex can often cloud your mind and make you think that the person you are with is best for you even when they are not. By taking it away from the table, you can easily ask the right questions that help you figure out if you should date someone or not. Here are some the things you need to find out about a partner you would like to date: Once you learn this, all that is left to do is decide if you want to take the relationship a step further especially sexually. To ensure that this rule is effective, you need to inform whoever you are with about it. That way, if they cannot respect the boundary then you simply walk away. The rule has been tried and tested and has been successfully implemented in different areas. 

Signs You Might Be the Red Flag in a Relationship

Recently, people have been talking about spotting a red flag in a person and how to walk away from it. While this is a good thing, there is a chance that you might be the problem in the relationship. Being able to identify these red flags and work on them will not only make you a better partner but a better partner as well. Here are some signs that you might be the red flag in your relationship. You Have No Boundaries Being a people pleaser might not seem like a red flag but it is. You need to learn how to create and maintain boundaries with people. If you can do this, then you can also respect other people’s boundaries. It also means you have values in life that you live by and are not easily swayed with trends or other people’s opinions. You Do Not Invest in Yourself Whether it is by getting an education or simply picking up a book, you need to pour into yourself. Often, you find your worth and validation in other people and tend to value other people’s opinions above your own. With this kind of attitude, you end up being a shell of yourself. You have no idea what you need to do with yourself and are not interested in personal growth. Every human being needs to be willing to better themselves and refusing to do that is a red flag. You Do Not Admit When Wrong No matter how good your intentions are or how highly you regard yourself, you are bound to mess at any given point. Admitting you are wrong shows that you are mature enough to admit that you are human and prone to error. Refusing to admit your flaws and instead shifting blame is a childish way to live life. Being able to see where you went wrong shows you are willing to change as well. It also means you are not egotistical. The World Revolves Around You If all you know is you and your needs are above everyone else, then that is a red flag. While there is nothing wrong with putting yourself first at times, doing this at the expense of everyone else is wrong. You need to be able to take a step back and let someone else take centre stage. It shows that you are not self-centred and empathic. You Are Clingy Wanting to spend time with the ones you love is okay but if you never give people their space, then that is wrong. You need to let people have their space and respect their need for privacy. It also shows that you are your own person with an identity not tied to others. If you have any of these attributes, that does not mean it is over for you. You can still unlearn the bad habits and become a wholesome person. All you have to remember to do is be intentional about how you live your life and the people you interact with. 

The 80-20 Rule in a Relationship and the Role It Plays

Everyone often looks forward to having a perfect relationship. It might be based on books read or movies watched but the dream of a happy, picture-perfect home is what everyone looks forward to. The reality is, no one is perfect and even if you are lucky, no one can check all your boxes. It is because of this that the 80-20 rule was made. In simple terms, you can only get 80% of your needs met in a relationship; you have to meet the other 20% on your own. Finding fulfillment in a Relationship One thing many people tend to come with in a relationship is high expectations. Whether it is from what you know or what you envisioned, it is easy for you to get disappointed when your partner is not everything you imagined. The 80-20 rule simply states that you can stay with someone even if they do not give you 100% of what you want. Studies have also shown that many people who are unfaithful tend to think they got a good deal only to realise they were chasing 20% and destroyed the 80% they had. By applying this rule in all interactions, one can easily find contentment in whoever they meet. Benefits of Applying 80-20 in a Relationship If you are in a relationship, then you definitely need to apply this in it. There are so many perks you and your partner will experience if you approach the relationship with this rule in mind. These are the main benefits: Makes You Human No one person is perfect and you will fall short at any given point. Keeping this rule in mind will ensure that you get to see your partner as human and cut yourself some slack as well. It makes both of you give grace instead of being too hard on each other. Prevents Promiscuity Once you learn that whoever you settle for will give you the best in life, you stop looking for more elsewhere. It does not matter if your partner does not check all the boxes; you are content with them as they are. It also makes you see that stepping out of the relationship might actually end up with you settling for less, which is not something you want to do. Keeps You Grateful If you have a habit of looking inward instead of what everyone else is doing or has, you tend to appreciate what you have more. Instead of comparisons, you get to enjoy your relationship with your partner and grow together. It keeps you together and you will approach everything with a grateful heart. The 80-20 rule has been around in a while and it is a great strategy to use in your relationship. It gives you perspective and will ensure that no matter what curveballs life throws at you, you and your partner will weather the storm. Find ways to appreciate what you have instead of spending time on wishful thinking. 

Impact of Social Media on Relationship Dynamics

The era of social media has changed how different people interact with each other. Social media has made the world a digital village and eliminated distance between people. As such, people can relate with others from different parts of the world with a tap on their screens and get updated on events as they happen. Apart from daily interactions, social media has also changed how people view love and relationships. It has had both positive and negative impacts on many relationships. Here are some of the ways social media has changed up relationship dynamics.  Positive Impact of Social Media on Relationships Makes Long Distance Relationships Easier In a time where sending messages or making calls happens with the tap of a button, long distance relationships are easier to handle. Couples living miles apart get to interact as if they were just next door. It cuts out the uncertainty that would come with waiting for days for letters and makes one feel like their partner can still be a part of their day despite the distance. Widens the Dating Pool For people looking to date, social media makes it easier to date beyond geographical lines. Thanks to social media, couples can meet online and build a relationship before needing to even meet. There have been many successful relationships that have bloomed on different social media platforms that ended up with married couples. Gives One Perception Even though comparison can be detrimental, it helps to have a rubric on which to gauge whatever relationship there is. With so many people talking about what is acceptable or a red flag in relationships, one can figure out whether they are okay or should walk out of a relationship. Knowing that there are options for couples in abusive relationships has also meant that couples know they can walk away when things do not work. It has also helped couples figure out what they can do to grow their current relationship. Negative Impact of Social Media on Relationships Leads To Unrealistic Expectations Even though most people online look happy, the opposite of this is true. Many couples on social media paint a picture of a fairy-tale love story and expecting one’s personal relationship to be similar can lead to discontentment. There have been situations where couples got into debt trying to keep up with the lifestyle they saw online. Miscommunication  As more people embrace phones, there is a tendency to prefer texts to calls or face-to-face conversations. With text messages, nonverbal cues are left to one’s imagination. All this has led to more couple arguments since one can misunderstand what a message really meant. Jealousy and Over Comparison Comparison is the thief of joy and this can be seen in most couples who compare their lives. Seeing other couples doing things or saying stuff can make one believe their partner is not doing enough. Having overly perfect relationships showcased on social media has led to a lot of discontentment in couples which often leads to breakups or unnecessary fights. Is There Space for Social Media in Relationships? Despite there being so many negatives about the harm of social media in relationships, it is clear that one cannot do without it. The only thing couples need to remember when it comes to social media is to take everything with a pinch of salt. Understanding one’s relationship and its dynamics will help a couple grow instead of looking at what everyone is talking about on these platforms. By making social media a tool of communication and not the center of a relationship, couples can still thrive in this era. 

Budget-Friendly Date Ideas for Couples

Dating in these times can seem so expensive. With so many people going over the top with their dates, one can feel like they do not have the right resources to show their partner a good time. Did you know that even when strapped for cash, you could still show your partner a good time? Here are a couple of budget friendly date ideas that you should try out. Go on a Picnic One of the most affordable date options to try would be a picnic. You can pick out a spot that is free to enter or has a small entry fee. You can also go for a drive and park somewhere with a view. One way to make this date memorable is to either have a theme or dress up for it. Dressing up for the date makes it feel fancy and will have you looking forward to it. Make your snacks at home as well, as this saves money that might have been spent at the store or a restaurant. Movie Night Nothing beats the feeling of snuggling with your partner after a long day at work. To make this interesting, prepare some of your favourite snacks and watch a move you both like. You can play around with your living room setup, get a couple of flowers and fairy lights and change up the whole place. Movie night is a simple and almost free date idea that is perfect for you if you love spending quality time together with your partner. Visit a Museum Museums are a great place to go if you both want to explore something new. They have interesting pieces of history and you always get to learn something new while you are at it. It is also a great way to get out of the house and do something together that will be both fun and informative. Take a Walk It might not sound like something romantic but don’t write it off before you actually try it. Taking a walk is one of the ways you can get away from all the noise and just spend time together. You can pick out a path that is less crowded, which will give you a chance to really talk with your partner and bond away from the entire house. It is a perfect idea, especially for an evening in summer since the air will still be warm. Apart from bonding with your partner, the stroll is also a great way to get some exercise, which is a win-win.  Learn Your Partner’s Hobby Often times, you find that you hardly know what your partner likes. Taking the time to learn each other’s hobbies is one way to deal with this. You can spend time with our partner or simply ask them to show you what they like to do. With this, you get to know things about them that you would have missed out. It also makes for the perfect activity to do together in future. The common mistake many people make is thinking dates mean spending a lot of money on something. With a little creativity and lots of love, you can have a zero-budget date and get to bond with your partner. Try out a couple of these ideas and see which one will make you and your partner happy. 

How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship

Your attachment style is often formed based on how you were raised as a child. If you look back at your childhood and your primary caregivers, you can either feel jealous, anxious, or secure. All these attachment styles will affect the kind of relationship you have as an adult. The good news is, an attachment style can change as you become more self-aware and heal your inner child. There are four main attachment styles and they all affect how you interact with your partner differently. Secure Attachment Style People with secure attachment style tend to feel safe in their relationships. They are well grounded and can emotionally regulate themselves. They learned all these skills from their primary caregiver, who was present and did not dump their stress on the child. As such, this person knows how to create boundaries. Even though they might want to be in a relationship, they are more drawn to creating meaningful connections over just getting into whatever relationship they want to. Despite this, if they are together with someone with an insecure attachment style, it can change their attachment style after a while. Anxious Attachment Style Someone with anxious attachment style often feels insecure in a relationship. They need constant reassurance and will overreact if they feel like their relationship is being threatened. The anxiety stems from inconsistent parenting. The primary caregiver must have been one who was inconsistent with physical and emotional attention and the child never knew when the parent would be back or there for them. Anxious attachment style: people tend to feel guilty for being too needy or clingy but it is something they cannot seem to stop doing. The only way to help a person with this attachment style is to have them deal with their issues of abandonment first. Avoidant-Dismissive Attachment Style Avoidance are the opposite of anxious attachment. While they might want attention, they are wary of anyone getting too close to them. Avoidant attachment often feels independent and sees no need for a relationship. As such, they come off as uncaring and arrogant. All this stems from having a primary caregiver who was never there for the child in their early years. As such, they tend to take care of everything on their own.  Even though avoidant people think they do not need human connections, they actually do. It is something every human being needs. One needs to be vulnerable enough to admit it. Disorganized Attachment Style A person with this attachment style tends to believe they do not deserve love and affection. They often find intimate relationships unsettling and hardly trust their partner. The person often gets this from an abusive primary caregiver who is both loved and often a source of terror to the person. As a result, the individual is unhinged and might also struggle with substance abuse. How to Deal with Insecure an Attachment If you have an attachment style that is not secure, then no matter how badly you want it, you will ruin whatever relationship you are in. The one thing you need to do to remedy this is talk to a therapist. They can help you unpack whatever trauma you have and give you coping mechanisms. While it might not be a one day affair, it will definitely get you to a point where you can form meaningful relationships. Your attachment style determines how you view human connections and, in extension, how you view the world. Being securely attached will help you form better connections and make the right decision when it comes to relationships. Talk to a therapist today if you have doubts on what your attachment style might be.

How To Make a Long Distance Relationship Work

Falling in love is one of the most amazing feelings in the world. You want to spend as much time as possible with your partner and to be as close as possible. If you happen to fall in love with someone who works or lives far from you, then it can be torture. Even though the feelings are just as strong, it is easy to build up resentment in the long run. Here are some tips that can help you deal with the distance.  Be Intentional Even though this is something to do in all relationships, it is very important to be intentional in a long distance relationship. You need to plan and do everything with intent, as that is the only way to make the relationship work. Ensure that whatever you do for your partner isn’t out of mere obligation but something you want to do. Good intentions will ensure that your relationship can thrive despite the distance. Talk Daily While you might get away with not talking to someone you live in the same area with, that might not work if you are in a long distance relationship. Making time to talk every day will ensure that you two get to know each other, and it will take away the feeling of being far apart. You do not have to have a long conversation or make calls but checking in daily will help. Find a way to include them in your day, as that is something that you will look forward to. Find Ways To Do Things Together Just because you are far apart does not mean you cannot have plans together. It can be watching a movie together via Skype or simply making dinner together via video calls. Whatever you do, ensure you have time that is just for the two of you. That way, there is something in common that puts you two together.   Have a Timeline While you might be okay with taking things slow, it does get to a place where you get too comfortable with virtual relationships that never head anywhere. To avoid this, always have a timeline for when you will meet and stop being in different areas. Having a timeline will help you both manage your expectations, so you do not have to worry about things going too fast or too slow. It also helps you stay intentional at all times. Finding someone to date is an amazing feeling. It does not matter how far away the person is, as long as you are both happy. By implementing these tips, you can have healthy and fulfilling relationships with a happily ever after in the near future.

Unlocking the Secrets of a Perfect First Date: Proven Tips and Clever Strategies

For those looking at getting into a relationship, the first step is normally to go on the first date. For that man to actually invite you out on a date. Nowadays, I am seeing a trend of women asking men to go out on a date, they ask for the man’s hand in marriage, which I find awkward, but I guess it is okay, always go for what works for you. Anyway, the toughest point to get to is earning the privilege to go out on a date, and you want to make a good impression. You know how it is, ‘first impressions last,’ and so we want to make the best of it. In this blog, we talk about the proven tips and strategies that you can use to ensure that your first date is successful or works out as planned. Show up on Time The culture that you grew up in can greatly influence how you manage your time. Where I come from originally, we do not keep time, nobody ever keeps time. If you agree to meet someone somewhere for whatever reason, one of us or both of us would potentially be late. If we were to meet at 5:00pm, there is a high chance that we would both show up one hour later, or I’ll show up one hour later, and the person I am meeting would show up two hours later. It is a habit that everyone has, and it is hard to get out of it. However, not everyone can entertain lateness. It took me a long time to learn to respect other people’s time and show up at the time we agreed to meet. Meeting your potential husband or wife for the first time is a big opportunity that should never be taken for granted. If you show up late on the first date, the other person will assume that you are not reliable and that you are not responsible either. If you are going to meet a woman, women take a lot of time to prepare before they step out of the house. Some women will go to the extent of buying new clothes, shoes, and a handbag just to make that first impression worthwhile. Women will go to the extent of spending money to get their hair and make-up done professionally so they may look presentable to you. Showing up late for someone who has gone through so much can never be taken lightly. Women should also consider that a man would leave everything and make it on time to meet her. Showing up late makes the spirit grow weak. If the man had strong feelings for you, he may just change his mind about the whole dating situation. Show up on time on your first date and always. Understand that people have other things to do, but they choose to meet you, do not take that for granted. Remember that the person you are going to meet may just be your future life partner, make the first impression perfect. Keep Your Phone AwayUsing your phone while on a dinner date for the first time may not be a good first impression, and not many people can accommodate that behavior. Unfortunately, your date may not even tell you that they do not feel comfortable, instead, he or she may keep quiet, and that could be the last time you see them. If you must use your phone, excuse yourself and let your date know that you need to use your phone. Once you are done, apologize for taking a moment to use your phone, even though you had excused yourself. Ensure you either put your phone on silent mode or simply avoid calls or texts during the date. It shows your date that you really wanted to be there, and it helps to give undivided attention. Dress UpIt does help to show your date that you put in effort to look good for him or her. While you do nothave to go overboard and look like you came off a runway, make sure that you look presentable. Depending on where the date is happening, dress appropriately for the occasion. Wearing cocktail outfits for an outdoor date will look tacky and make things seem off, especially if your date has a keen eye for fashion. Pay Attention While on a date, do not be the only one who speaks, be a good listener and give your date time to talk before you respond. Do not listen to answer back, but listen to understand, then respond. When your date is talking, try never to interrupt them or talk while your date is talking, otherwise, you may end up saying what you did not plan to say. Not everyone is patient enough to put up with someone who talks without considering what the other person has to say. Sometimes, you may try hard to pay attention to your date but you still do not get or understand what your date is saying. Be bold enough and ask them to repeat what he or she said in a respectful manner.You ought to pay attention to your date because It will help you figure out what the other person’s intentions are and will come in handy when you want to figure out if you should accept an invitation to another date or not. Do not Set Very High Standards Oh well, it is okay to set standards, but what guidelines are you using for setting your standards. I have seen people, rise from humble beginnings and become great. Let’s use Lupita Nyong’o as an example. In this case, I do not even have to explain who Lupita is because we all know her, the world knows her. When Lupita Nyong’o started her acting career in Kenya, people watched her movies, little shows here and there and she really stood out when she acted in a drama called sugar. She was great and very authentic but

Why Marriages Fail: 18 Reasons

Marriage is the union between two people that is expected to last a lifetime. In a Muslim marriage, the man is allowed to marry four women as long as he can take care of all of them equally. The man must get consent from his first wife before he can marry a second wife, and when he is ready for wife number three, he must get consent from his first and second wives. In this blog, we talk about why marriages fail. Financial Issues You can never predict the future. People get married, and then life happens. The husband may lose his job, and the family could struggle financially so much that the wife decides to leave the marriage. We have also seen instances where the man leaves his wife because she does not have any source of income and goes ahead to marry another woman who is financially independent. Issues about money are usually hard on a couple, and for the relationship to actually last, the two will have gotten in love with each other out of pure love. Family Love is supposed to be for two people, and the rest of the family is expected to support them. When a man gets married, his family should support his relationship by accepting and considering his wife as part of the family. And when a woman gets married, her family should make the man feel wanted and accepted as part of the family. What we see happening, however, is that the man’s mother mistreats his wife, calls her names sometimes, tells her to leave, and the man’s siblings do the same. The lady gets frustrated and eventually decides to leave the marriage, not because she does not love her husband, but because she is getting too much pressure from the husband’s family. It becomes even worse when the man attacks his wife because of what his mother or siblings say about her. In the worst-case scenario, the man’s mother could go to the extent of accusing her daughter-in-law of attempting to steal from her, and this causes conflict that eventually breaks the marriage. On the other hand, if the woman’s family does not like her husband, they can make it their mission to make sure the marriage does not last. These people could even scheme to set up her husband with other women, take videos and pictures, and then prove to her that her husband is cheating. The marriage might end if the woman becomes disillusioned by the evidence and loses faith in her husband. Lack of Intimacy Life can get so busy that when couples meet at home, they are both too tired to look at each other. This may continue for a prolonged period of time, which may create distance between the couple and cause them to lose interest in each other. They suddenly start to live like brothers and sisters; one of them gets distructed, and it’s over for both of them. To be honest, intimacy is one of the most important reasons people get married. I mean, besides having children, couples also need to enjoy the fruit that God made possible for married couples. Lack of commitment When people live together for a long time, they become so comfortable with each other that they start taking everything for granted. For marriage to work, the couple must be committed to each other, but if its only the wife who keeps calling to find out how her husband is doing during the day, she is the only one who sends text messages to say simple things like ‘I love you’, she is the only one who asks for a conversation to resolve issues when they have some misunderstanding, then the marriage fails. You can only do so much as a human being, and so, even as a committed wife, you get tired at some point and give up. Falling Out of Love Being in love is a beautiful thing, and it does not happen every day that you meet someone and fall in love. Love is special, and when you meet the one, you just know. When a couple gets married, they are usually at the peak of their union, and they feel like they cannot leave without each other. Then they start growing their family and expanding their careers. The man gets lucky and gets a much better job, earning more than he could ever imagine. He changes and starts mistreating his wife, ignoring her, and embarrassing her in public. When his wife is in conflict with, for instance, his sister, he protects her and looks down on his wife. It will not take too long before the wife falls out of love and decides to walk out of the marriage. We all know that when a woman forgives her man a thousand times and gets tired, it’s definitely over for him. Unfaithfulness Some people just find it difficult to remain faithful to their partners. It does not matter what you do, as a woman, you may even go down on your knees to assure him of your love, but he still cheats. You keep his house clean, prepare his meals, make sure the home is running smoothly, listen to him, and never quarrel. You try everything in your power to make your man feel loved, but he still cheats, unfortunately. I recently watched a video on YouTube about a pastor’s wife who called a counsellor for help from the OWN YouTube channel. When the counsellor knocked on the door, the lady opened, and she started crying. When asked what the problem was, she said that her husband has cheated on her with twenty different women, ten of whom attend their church. Apparently, when she found out that her husband was cheating and asked him, he confirmed that he cheated with twenty women and had a child with one. She moved out but still went to church with her husband and children, like everything was okay,

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